A Thousand Small Moments: Session 1

The MSU CFT clinic recently started a parenting booster class. In conjunction with that class I will be posting additional material related to the topics discussed for each class. For those who can't join us we hope this will be of some help.

Session 1: Emotion Coaching and Child Directed Play
In the first session we discussed some of the best first lines of action to try when your children are experiencing behavior problems. The fist topic is Emotion Coaching (Gottman, 1998). Emotion coaching is the idea that parents validate the emotions their children express through problem behaviors. When parents validate the emotions before disciplining the behavior, children feel more accepted and their behaviors decrease. The steps in Emotion Coaching are as follows:

1. Emotional Awareness:
• Be aware of your own emotions. What does it feel like to be angry, sad, frustrated, happy, excited, etc. If you are aware of your own emotions you are more likely able to recognize those emotions in your children.
2. Recognize Emotion as an Opportuniy:
• Emotional cues can be anything from a temper tantrum, slamming the door, or jumping up and down. These are behaviors associated with emotion. If you recognize these behaviors as opportunities for closeness, you are more likely to respond with love, rather than anger or frustration.
3. Listen and Validate the Emotion:
• Acknowledge that your child is able to feel emotions. While slamming the door is not an appropriate behavior, anger or frustration is an appropriate emotion. Tell your child, "Your feeling (name the emotion), because (state the reason for the emotion)..." without judgment. Doing this conveys love and acceptance to your child. 
4. Label the Emotion:
• Label the emotion you think your child is feeling. You may occasionally get it wrong, and if so your child will correct you. The main point is telling your child you are trying to understand what they are feeling. Don't be afraid to be wrong, just label the emotion they are likely feeling.
5. Problem Solve:
• Only problem solve after you have identified the emotion and validated the emotion. To help a child problem solve, ask them what they think will be best to do in the current situation. Have them list as many solutions as they can. Take them through each of the solutions and explore what possible consequences would be for each. Finally ask them to pick a solution.

It is recommended that you explore John Gottman's book for further information about emotion coaching. You can also check out the resources found on my website here.

We also talked about Child Directed Play. Child Directed Play is the concept that children need some 'special' play time with their parents to build a strong emotional relationship with them. Some basic tips for Child Directed Play are:

• Spend 45 minutes each week with the child. During this time the child is in charge of the play. The only rules are that the child cannot harm you, themselves, or the toys. Other than that there are NO RULES. 
• Be a sports announcer. Label what the child does in their play. Only call a toy by the name the child calls it. 
• BE with the child. Be on their level, if they are on the floor, you need to be so as well. 
• Give a lead time warning before ending the play. Tell them, "We only have five minutes left..."

You may also want to check the following handout for further information on Child Directed Play. 

Lastly, for those who need a more 'concrete' example of some of these techniques, specifically Child Directed Play, see the video below.

I would recommend anybody interested to rent this movie as it gives a GREAT example of Child Directed Play.

Homework: Have fun with your Children.