A Thousand Small Moments: Session 7

In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:

Session 7 - Responding with Flexibility

Now that you are familiar with and using love and limits consistently, and have a good understanding of where your parenting techniques stem from, it is time to really become flexible. An important formula to remember is: Inflexible Children + Inflexible Parents = Explosive Behavior. 
There will be times when your child will be too tired, too hungry, too upset, or too overwhelmed to be able to comply with your requests. Imagine a time in your life when you were too overwhelmed (either with stress, emotion, or exhaustion) to be able to respond appropriately to a request you otherwise would have had no problem doing so. The difference between you and your child (and the main reason you don't typically throw yourself on the ground and scream) is that you have learned over your lifetime how to properly handle your emotions so that even when you respond inappropriately is doesn't look like a full blown temper tantrum. Here are a few tips on responding with flexibility:

A Thousand Small Moments: Session 6

In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:

Session 6 - Understanding Yourself as a Parent
Having learned how to show love to your children and how to set limits, it is time to learn about granting latitude to your children. Latitude means being flexible and adjusting your expectations to fit your child's individual personality. This is especially important for parents with more than one child. No two children are 100% the same and all children need to have flexibility tailored to themselves. Latitude starts with self understanding. So often we as parents said to ourselves when we were growing up, "I will do things differently with my children." And yet when things get tough and demanding we often repeat the patterns of parenting we learned from our parents. Each of us have three aspects of ourselves that, if understood, could help us became our own masters and allow us to decide how we want to parent. These aspects are:

Parenting to Your Child

Thought: The more intense the child, the more intense the intervention. Small and subtle changes might work when a child is feeling calm, but when emotions run high (or for children who generally have stronger emotions) something with a little more “umph” is needed.

Try This!
Most interventions can be beefed up. Take some time today to think about some of your parenting strategies and figure out different levels for them. Example: a walking time out – the child is informed that communication is suspended for the next minute; a sitting time out – the child is excluded from communication and activities for 10 minutes; a working time out – the child is excluded from communication and activities, and must complete some kind of assignment (write an apology, memorize a quote, clean, etc.)

February: The Month of Love

Just a few days after Christmas I noticed that The Valentines Day decorations went up quickly in almost every store I shopped in. Naturally when I think of Valentines Day I think of February. When I think of February I think pink (probably all of the elementary school conditioning). And when I think of pink I think love. Today I would like to talk about Parenting Love. In one of the parenting classes I teach, I tell my parents that, "True love between parent and child grows toward separation." Often parents are shocked and somewhat saddened to hear this. I have had people ask me, "You mean if I truly loved my child I would want to be away from them? That doesn't make sense!"

Let me explain what this statement means. First think of your child (I have two little boys, so I will use them as an example). As I think of my four year old boy, all I can think of is how fast he is growing up. It seemed like just yesterday he was an infant relying totally on my (and his mothers) mercy and help for everything. Now it seems that he can dress himself, pick his own clothes, feed himself, get in the car and buckle up by himself. He has even started to write his own name. When we visit the doctor he wants to speak for himself and tell the doctor what is happening, and believe me, if I say something that isn't right, he makes a point to correct me in front of the doctor. He has become very independent. Yet still he can't do some things. He can't cook his own food, fill his own bath water, tie his own shoes, drive to school, go to the store by himself, etc. Someday he will be able to do those things, and me and my wife will be the ones to teach him those things. Someday, he will even be big enough to go to college and live by himself. Even though thinking of that day scares me and makes me sad, I am delighted and can't wait to see my little boy being so grown up. My love for him urges me to teach him how to do those things. My love for him wants me to make sure he will be okay when he is alone. My love for him demands that I let him be his own person. This is what the statement, "True love between parent and child grows toward separation." Even after he is an adult, I will still want to see him. I will still expect for him to visit every once in awhile, but mainly to report to me about his accomplishments, and to give him counsel in hard times. I would be very selfish if I expected or wanted him to rely on me for everything (or almost everything) for the rest of his life.

Think about the statement, do you agree or disagree? Regardless of whether you agree or not, what are you going to do during this Month of Love to show your child that you love them?

For the Month of February, Michael and Anne are combining to bring a weekly update with small parenting thoughts and interventions. Check back at the beginning of each week for the updates from Anne. Also feel free to ask any question you might have about parenting or child behavior. Since this is in a blog format, we will answer in general terms.