A Thousand Small Moments: Session 2

The MSU CFT clinic recently started a parenting booster class. In conjunction with that class I will be posting additional material related to the topics discussed for each class. For those who can't join us we hope this will be of some help.

Session 2: Attention and Praise and Family Routines
In this session we discussed ways to show love and change behavior by using positive Attention and Praise as well as by instituting Family Routines.
First, as a result of our continuously busier lives, parents and children rarely spend much quality time with each other. Often the time that is spent with each other is spent where the parents give half-hearted attention to their children, or are giving orders for their children to do something. As with the first session (Child-Centered Play and Emotion Coaching) giving positive attention and praise to your children becomes a great way to reduce negative behaviors displayed by children. When giving attention to your children it is important that you give them your undivided attention so they know that you really care about their concerns and their ideas. Try to provide a ratio of five positive interactions to every negative interaction with your child in order to improve behavior.

Second, when using praise to show you like what your child has done, it is important to be specific in that praise. For instance, if a child behaves well when you need them to, instead of simply saying, "Good job!" it would be better to say, "Thank you so much for sitting still and being quiet when I asked you to. You are so great at listening to my requests." This tells the child what specific behaviors you liked and why you liked it. Giving praise in this way also increases the probability that your child will repeat the behavior at another time. It is also important that you use enthusiasm and sincerity in your praise. Children are likely to not respond positively to 'fake', insincere praise.
Establishing family routines provides another layer of security for both parents and children. A routine is defined as events that family members participate in on a regular, predictable basis. Routines can range from everyday routines such as bedtimes, dinner, chores to family rituals such as holidays and religious traditions. When families have positive routines, children know what will happen when. They also provide a continual positive interaction between parents and children. Two different types of routines would be "Connection Routines" and "Structural Routines". A connection routine is something that provides a positive connection between parents and children (e.g. holidays, family dinners). The important distinction between connection routines and structural routines is that the primary goal in connection routines is to improve the connection between family members, whereas the primary goal in structural routines is to provide family structure and predictability among family members.

Homework: Sit down with your partner and list three ways in which you can increase the positive attention and praise you each give to your children. Examine your current routines. Do you have more structural or connection routines? What can you do to change structural routines in order to increase familial connection during them?