A Thousand Small Moments: Session 7

In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:

Session 7 - Responding with Flexibility

Now that you are familiar with and using love and limits consistently, and have a good understanding of where your parenting techniques stem from, it is time to really become flexible. An important formula to remember is: Inflexible Children + Inflexible Parents = Explosive Behavior. 
There will be times when your child will be too tired, too hungry, too upset, or too overwhelmed to be able to comply with your requests. Imagine a time in your life when you were too overwhelmed (either with stress, emotion, or exhaustion) to be able to respond appropriately to a request you otherwise would have had no problem doing so. The difference between you and your child (and the main reason you don't typically throw yourself on the ground and scream) is that you have learned over your lifetime how to properly handle your emotions so that even when you respond inappropriately is doesn't look like a full blown temper tantrum. Here are a few tips on responding with flexibility:

A Thousand Small Moments: Session 6

In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:

Session 6 - Understanding Yourself as a Parent
Having learned how to show love to your children and how to set limits, it is time to learn about granting latitude to your children. Latitude means being flexible and adjusting your expectations to fit your child's individual personality. This is especially important for parents with more than one child. No two children are 100% the same and all children need to have flexibility tailored to themselves. Latitude starts with self understanding. So often we as parents said to ourselves when we were growing up, "I will do things differently with my children." And yet when things get tough and demanding we often repeat the patterns of parenting we learned from our parents. Each of us have three aspects of ourselves that, if understood, could help us became our own masters and allow us to decide how we want to parent. These aspects are:

A Thousand Small Moments: Session 5

In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:

Session 5 - Effective Consequences & Time-Out
Remember, applying consequences and using time-out are withdrawals from the emotional bank account. Use as many other techniques as possible before branching into applying consequences. Consequences can be seen as simply the result of particular behavior. For instance, the consequence for going to work and doing your job is a paycheck.
Every behavior we do has an inevitable consequence attached to it. Teaching children that negative behaviors result in negative consequences helps them to stop doing the negative behaviors. Some effective consequences are as follows:

A Thousand Small Moments: Session 4

In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:

Session 4 - Effective Commands and Rewards
This week using effective commands and rewards was discussed as a way to enforce limits. It is important to remember that your family values should be taken into account when giving children commands and using rewards to motivate behavior. Effective commands are commands that are:

• Clear - Clear commands explain the expectation as well as the family value that is related to the command. For instance, "We don't yell in our family, I want you to use a calm voice." The parent should remain calm, assertive, and polite when giving the command. 
• Positive - Another characteristic of a good command is that you tell the child exactly what you expect of them. Don't tell them what not to do, rather tell them what to do. Giving positive commands, the child is not left guessing what you are asking them to do. 
• Consistent - Make sure you are consistent with your commands. When you give a command that requires the child to do something, make sure the behavior is completed. Watching your child in order to ensure compliance is a helpful thing. It lets them know you are going to be consistent with all of your other commands or expectations.  

A Thousand Small Moments: Session 3

In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:

Session 3: Values and Freedom

This week we discussed the first way to step toward setting limits. As a reminder, we believe that the best way to start setting limits with children is to start expressing love toward our children. To review the first two sessions click here (for emotion coaching and child-directed play) and here (for attention, praise and routines). Once you have established "routines of love" you are able to start setting limits. 

The first step in setting limits is establishing family values. Family values influence the rules that parents set for their children and the expectations they place on their children. Values also influence how parents show and express love toward their children. An important way to discover the values you are currently teaching your children is to do the following exercise in your mind: 

A Martian came from her planet and asked if she could follow you around for a day so that she could understand what was important to you. She said she was not interested in knowing your history, culture, or any justification, she simply wanted to watch. She said that she would make herself invisible as to not get in your way. As you go throughout your day, what observations would the Martian Observer make? What would she say you spent most of your time on (you valued the most)?

A Thousand Small Moments: Session 2

The MSU CFT clinic recently started a parenting booster class. In conjunction with that class I will be posting additional material related to the topics discussed for each class. For those who can't join us we hope this will be of some help.

Session 2: Attention and Praise and Family Routines
In this session we discussed ways to show love and change behavior by using positive Attention and Praise as well as by instituting Family Routines.
First, as a result of our continuously busier lives, parents and children rarely spend much quality time with each other. Often the time that is spent with each other is spent where the parents give half-hearted attention to their children, or are giving orders for their children to do something. As with the first session (Child-Centered Play and Emotion Coaching) giving positive attention and praise to your children becomes a great way to reduce negative behaviors displayed by children. When giving attention to your children it is important that you give them your undivided attention so they know that you really care about their concerns and their ideas. Try to provide a ratio of five positive interactions to every negative interaction with your child in order to improve behavior.

A Thousand Small Moments: Session 1

The MSU CFT clinic recently started a parenting booster class. In conjunction with that class I will be posting additional material related to the topics discussed for each class. For those who can't join us we hope this will be of some help.

Session 1: Emotion Coaching and Child Directed Play
In the first session we discussed some of the best first lines of action to try when your children are experiencing behavior problems. The fist topic is Emotion Coaching (Gottman, 1998). Emotion coaching is the idea that parents validate the emotions their children express through problem behaviors. When parents validate the emotions before disciplining the behavior, children feel more accepted and their behaviors decrease. The steps in Emotion Coaching are as follows:

1. Emotional Awareness:
• Be aware of your own emotions. What does it feel like to be angry, sad, frustrated, happy, excited, etc. If you are aware of your own emotions you are more likely able to recognize those emotions in your children.