March: The Month of Technology

From the time my wife and I have been married we have tried to be consistent in celebrating March 14 by enjoying a nice apple pie (for those non-geeks, March 14 is also 3.14, which is the abbreviated value of Pi in math). I thought it would be fitting to discuss technology throughout this month. Each week I will post information regarding how technology has changed the way we parent children and discuss a few issues that technology poses to parents. I know that this topic can be divisive, so fill free to post your thoughts regarding each topic.

Let me start off with a story. When my wife and I were on a date, I took the time to look around at the other couples at the restaurant we were eating at. I noticed that almost 70% of the individuals in the restaurant were distracted in one way or another on their phone or smart phone. It reminded me of a video I saw about parents doing the same thing.

Take a few minutes to watch this video and try the following experiment:

• Count how many minutes you are present with your children but doing something on your phone.
• Try to reduce that time in the following week.

Emotional Nurturing

Emotional Nutrition - When children misbehave, the attention they receive is tied to a message of failure and rejection, it therefore brings no sense of accomplishment, intrinsic worth, or real connection. Children become “addicted” to negative behaviors even though the attention they gain is not satisfying, even when the level of negative energy escalates.

Try This! Work on introducing more ways of connecting in small moments (waiting in line, leave-taking and reunions, meals, bed time, etc.) so that emotional hunger is satisfied.

Comments - Please post comments about your experiences for other parents to learn and grow from.


Posted in behalf of Anne Brown

Safety from Limits

Thought: Children need safety and security. Their inability to set internal limits means that external limits are necessary so things won’t get out of control. Safety comes from their emotions and behaviors being “handled” by the adult(s) in charge. Acting out is a way of asking for more structure.

Try This!
Then next time your child misbehaves, think about your response as a way of increasing structure rather than punishing the behavior out of them. Example: Not doing homework doesn’t require punishment, simply finding a time and place where homework can be done and a system for checking to see if it is finished may be enough.

Comments - Please post comments about your experiences for other parents to learn and grow from.


Posted in behalf of Anne Brown

Q and A: Telling Children About Divorce

The following is for informational purposes only. Every situation is different and if you feel that your situation needs further exploration and explanation, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are having difficulty finding one in your area please visit the following website: http://therapistlocator.net/


Question:


My friend and her husband have recently decided to divorce, and they plan on breaking the news to their 6 yr. old daughter the day after Valentines. Any tips I can pass along to her how to handle the inevitable situation?


Answer:


First of all, sorry to hear of this situation. It is very difficult to answer the question without visualizing those involved. My heart goes out to the mother, father and especially the 6 year old little girl. 
Second, research has shown time and again that the best predictor of how a child will react (adjust) to divorce is how well the parents each react (adjust) to the divorce. For instance, if the parents react (adjust) poorly, i.e. being uncooperative with their ex-spouse, saying bad things about their ex-spouse; then children will react (adjust) poorly, most often blaming themselves for the divorce. 
If I had five minutes to talk to your friend (and by extension her current spouse) I would want them to know the following:

1. Before talking to your child, establish a common story (explanation) about why you are getting divorced. This needs to be a united front. Both of you need to agree on the reasons and not change the story when you are alone with your daughter. Each time she asks, you need to reiterate what you have already stated.
2. Be honest about the reasons, and be sure to emphasize that she was not the reason for the divorce. Children often take on the responsibility for their parents' marriage. Make sure she knows that this is an adult decision and has nothing to do with her.
3. Be developmentally appropriate. Share enough details that she will understand, but not too much that will cause her 'trauma.' For instance, if the reason for the divorce is an affair, I would tell a six year old that "Mommy/Daddy made choices that made Daddy/Mommy very sad. We have talked about the choices and have decided it is better for all of us (you, mommy and daddy) if mommy and daddy are no longer married." If she asks what it was that happened, tell her that you will give her more details when she is older and able to understand. Again, you need to have a united front so that when she is older both mom and dad know what they will say to her regarding the reasons for the divorce. 
4. Don't "use" her to hurt the other in any way. Some common ways parents do this are asking the child to speak to your ex-spouse about child support, visitation, or their dating lives. This is not appropriate and harms the child more than the ex-spouse.
5. Be emotionally supportive. Your child will likely be experiencing a lot of emotions as a result of this announcement. Be there for her and listen to her. However, do not ask her to emotionally support you. She will likely try to do this naturally and though at first it may seem cute and helpful, it plays into the belief that she is responsible for you (or your marriage) which will reinforce her belief that she caused (or could have prevented) the divorce. 
6. Lastly, they need to get into "Co-Parenting Therapy." This is critical so they can learn how to communicate more effectively and be parents for the child. 

I know this was more than what your question was, but they are all important points. For additional resources regarding this topic please visit this great website:

http://www.divorceinfo.com/children.htm

Thanks again for your question. I hope this was helpful. 

Positive Parenting

Thought: Traditional parenting approaches give much more energy to negative behaviors than to positive behaviors, sending the message that:

• Negativity is a quick and easy (think fast-food) way to connect (meet emotional needs)
• Positive behaviors are not very important
• “Pushing buttons” is a way to gain power over parents

Try This! Set aside an hour today to focus on positive behavior.

Comments - Please post comments about your experiences for other parents to learn and grow from.


Posted in behalf of Anne Brown

February: The Month of Love

Just a few days after Christmas I noticed that The Valentines Day decorations went up quickly in almost every store I shopped in. Naturally when I think of Valentines Day I think of February. When I think of February I think pink (probably all of the elementary school conditioning). And when I think of pink I think love. Today I would like to talk about Parenting Love. In one of the parenting classes I teach, I tell my parents that, "True love between parent and child grows toward separation." Often parents are shocked and somewhat saddened to hear this. I have had people ask me, "You mean if I truly loved my child I would want to be away from them? That doesn't make sense!"

Let me explain what this statement means. First think of your child (I have two little boys, so I will use them as an example). As I think of my four year old boy, all I can think of is how fast he is growing up. It seemed like just yesterday he was an infant relying totally on my (and his mothers) mercy and help for everything. Now it seems that he can dress himself, pick his own clothes, feed himself, get in the car and buckle up by himself. He has even started to write his own name. When we visit the doctor he wants to speak for himself and tell the doctor what is happening, and believe me, if I say something that isn't right, he makes a point to correct me in front of the doctor. He has become very independent. Yet still he can't do some things. He can't cook his own food, fill his own bath water, tie his own shoes, drive to school, go to the store by himself, etc. Someday he will be able to do those things, and me and my wife will be the ones to teach him those things. Someday, he will even be big enough to go to college and live by himself. Even though thinking of that day scares me and makes me sad, I am delighted and can't wait to see my little boy being so grown up. My love for him urges me to teach him how to do those things. My love for him wants me to make sure he will be okay when he is alone. My love for him demands that I let him be his own person. This is what the statement, "True love between parent and child grows toward separation." Even after he is an adult, I will still want to see him. I will still expect for him to visit every once in awhile, but mainly to report to me about his accomplishments, and to give him counsel in hard times. I would be very selfish if I expected or wanted him to rely on me for everything (or almost everything) for the rest of his life.

Think about the statement, do you agree or disagree? Regardless of whether you agree or not, what are you going to do during this Month of Love to show your child that you love them?

For the Month of February, Michael and Anne are combining to bring a weekly update with small parenting thoughts and interventions. Check back at the beginning of each week for the updates from Anne. Also feel free to ask any question you might have about parenting or child behavior. Since this is in a blog format, we will answer in general terms.