A Thousand Small Moments: Session 7

In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:

Session 7 - Responding with Flexibility

Now that you are familiar with and using love and limits consistently, and have a good understanding of where your parenting techniques stem from, it is time to really become flexible. An important formula to remember is: Inflexible Children + Inflexible Parents = Explosive Behavior. 
There will be times when your child will be too tired, too hungry, too upset, or too overwhelmed to be able to comply with your requests. Imagine a time in your life when you were too overwhelmed (either with stress, emotion, or exhaustion) to be able to respond appropriately to a request you otherwise would have had no problem doing so. The difference between you and your child (and the main reason you don't typically throw yourself on the ground and scream) is that you have learned over your lifetime how to properly handle your emotions so that even when you respond inappropriately is doesn't look like a full blown temper tantrum. Here are a few tips on responding with flexibility:

• Give lead time warnings for transitions: Make sure to give your child 10, 5, and 1 minute warnings before a major transition (i.e. dinnertime, bedtime, leaving a park or playground).
• Become familiar with your child: Take a few days or even a week or two to get in tune with your child. Know what happens before a temper tantrum so you can avoid the situation next time. For instance if a child does very well all throughout a store, but breaks down in line or in a toy section, have your spouse/partner take them out to the car when you get in line or avoid the toy section altogether. 
• Keep the emotional bank account full: Continue to use the different love strategies and only set limits on behaviors that violate important family values. 
• Work on yourself: If you find yourself becoming frustrated, stressed or overwhelmed a lot, figure out what contributes to that frustration. Remember you have had more time to accumulate these skills, if something is wrong between you and your child, it is your job as the parent to set things right. 
• Understand the difference between Unwilling and Unable: Some children need more time to develop the skills needed to accomplish parental requests. If you are anticipating your one year old to be able to cloth and bath himself before bedtime you are setting yourself and your child up for failure. Know the typical developmental milestones and know where your child differs from them. Unwilling simply means the child is refusing to comply. Unable means your child simply cannot accomplish the task no matter how hard they try. Know this one difference can save you and your child a lot of frustration. 

Some very helpful tips and strategies can be found in the the book The Explosive Child. Dr. Ross Greene has developed an effective problem solving technique that works very well with children who seem to be oppositional and defiant. The strategies work well also with children diagnosed with AD/HD, Learning Disabilities and some Autism Spectrum disorders.