A Thousand Small Moments: Session 6

In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:

Session 6 - Understanding Yourself as a Parent
Having learned how to show love to your children and how to set limits, it is time to learn about granting latitude to your children. Latitude means being flexible and adjusting your expectations to fit your child's individual personality. This is especially important for parents with more than one child. No two children are 100% the same and all children need to have flexibility tailored to themselves. Latitude starts with self understanding. So often we as parents said to ourselves when we were growing up, "I will do things differently with my children." And yet when things get tough and demanding we often repeat the patterns of parenting we learned from our parents. Each of us have three aspects of ourselves that, if understood, could help us became our own masters and allow us to decide how we want to parent. These aspects are:

1. The part we're born with (genetic hand-me-downs) - How we look, and a large part of our dispositions (i.e. shy, outgoing) is genetically determined when we are born. For the most part we can't change these parts of ourselves. If a shy person wants to be more outgoing they can work to increase their sociability  and their conversational skills but for the most part they won't be the life of the party like someone who is born outgoing is likely to be. Understanding some of our genetic hand-me-downs allows us to accept who we are (and who our children are) without pushing us (or them) too far to be a different person. 
2. The part we learn (social hand-me-downs) - Even as we are genetically pre-disposed, we are influenced by every relationship we have. We learn from parents, grandparents, cousins, siblings, friends and co-workers many different social aspects. Along our lives, we pick up different habits, skills, likes and dislikes from those around us. Knowing this about ourselves and our children allows us to be more flexible in relation to limits imposed on them. 
3. How we make sense of the world (internal working model) - The internal voice we tell ourselves is often a reflection of what our parents told us about ourselves when we were young. If we are constantly criticizing ourselves with harsh language, think back to who first said that about you. More often than not it was someone we trusted and who's opinion we valued. When you think about this internal voice, you are able to change it. You can work very hard to counter those thoughts. Knowing this will also influence what you say to your children. If we express confidence in them, they are likely to have confidence.

The point about examining your self and your parenting is that you have a choice now that you are a parent. You can throw out what you didn't like, and keep and improve what you do. Remember there are NO perfect parents. Only "good enough" parents.