Q and A: Telling Children About Divorce

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Question:


My friend and her husband have recently decided to divorce, and they plan on breaking the news to their 6 yr. old daughter the day after Valentines. Any tips I can pass along to her how to handle the inevitable situation?


Answer:


First of all, sorry to hear of this situation. It is very difficult to answer the question without visualizing those involved. My heart goes out to the mother, father and especially the 6 year old little girl. 
Second, research has shown time and again that the best predictor of how a child will react (adjust) to divorce is how well the parents each react (adjust) to the divorce. For instance, if the parents react (adjust) poorly, i.e. being uncooperative with their ex-spouse, saying bad things about their ex-spouse; then children will react (adjust) poorly, most often blaming themselves for the divorce. 
If I had five minutes to talk to your friend (and by extension her current spouse) I would want them to know the following:

1. Before talking to your child, establish a common story (explanation) about why you are getting divorced. This needs to be a united front. Both of you need to agree on the reasons and not change the story when you are alone with your daughter. Each time she asks, you need to reiterate what you have already stated.
2. Be honest about the reasons, and be sure to emphasize that she was not the reason for the divorce. Children often take on the responsibility for their parents' marriage. Make sure she knows that this is an adult decision and has nothing to do with her.
3. Be developmentally appropriate. Share enough details that she will understand, but not too much that will cause her 'trauma.' For instance, if the reason for the divorce is an affair, I would tell a six year old that "Mommy/Daddy made choices that made Daddy/Mommy very sad. We have talked about the choices and have decided it is better for all of us (you, mommy and daddy) if mommy and daddy are no longer married." If she asks what it was that happened, tell her that you will give her more details when she is older and able to understand. Again, you need to have a united front so that when she is older both mom and dad know what they will say to her regarding the reasons for the divorce. 
4. Don't "use" her to hurt the other in any way. Some common ways parents do this are asking the child to speak to your ex-spouse about child support, visitation, or their dating lives. This is not appropriate and harms the child more than the ex-spouse.
5. Be emotionally supportive. Your child will likely be experiencing a lot of emotions as a result of this announcement. Be there for her and listen to her. However, do not ask her to emotionally support you. She will likely try to do this naturally and though at first it may seem cute and helpful, it plays into the belief that she is responsible for you (or your marriage) which will reinforce her belief that she caused (or could have prevented) the divorce. 
6. Lastly, they need to get into "Co-Parenting Therapy." This is critical so they can learn how to communicate more effectively and be parents for the child. 

I know this was more than what your question was, but they are all important points. For additional resources regarding this topic please visit this great website:

http://www.divorceinfo.com/children.htm

Thanks again for your question. I hope this was helpful.