A Thousand Small Moments: Session 5

In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:

Session 5 - Effective Consequences & Time-Out
Remember, applying consequences and using time-out are withdrawals from the emotional bank account. Use as many other techniques as possible before branching into applying consequences. Consequences can be seen as simply the result of particular behavior. For instance, the consequence for going to work and doing your job is a paycheck.
Every behavior we do has an inevitable consequence attached to it. Teaching children that negative behaviors result in negative consequences helps them to stop doing the negative behaviors. Some effective consequences are as follows:

1. Privilege Removal - Removing a privilege (something the child likes to do, but is not connected to a love routine - i.e. time with friends, video games, movies, cartoons, etc.) When a child mis-behaves the parent should warn the child that the behavior needs to stop immediately (within 10 long seconds) or a privilege will be taken away. It is best to decide ahead of time what privileges will be withdrawn for what particular behavior. This can also be tied to the circle of freedom and responsibility.
2. Work Chores - If a child mis-behaves, giving an extra work chore (possibly related to the misbehavior) can help reduce the behavior immediately and future occurrences of the behavior. Again decide what work chores (without monetary compensation) will be applied for each behavior ahead of time.
3. "Natural" Punishments - This is the same as "Logical" consequences. The idea is to give your children consequences that are as closely related to the behavior as possible. For instance if the child spills a drink or food on the ground on purpose they are required to clean up the mess AND mop the entire kitchen as a punishment. While it is good to use natural and logical consequences for mis-behaviors, sometimes this is not possible, and some parents become paralyzed trying to think of a natural and logical consequence, reinforcing the idea that it is best to think of consequences before the behavior. 

Time-out is a commonly used form of punishment, so much so that when I ask parents about time-out I hear as many variations on the technique as I have parents in my classes. Recent research shows it is best to have a standardized system for using time-out and most important that both parents follow the system identically. Doing so eliminates surprises and feelings of inequality. After all, it would be terrible if one day you got a parking ticket that was only $2 and the next that was $200, simply because a different officer administered the ticket. Your behavior hadn't changed, just the person giving the punishment. To make it easy and standard here are some recommendations for how to administer time-out:

• First decide WHAT behaviors deserve a time-out. Some suggestions include only behaviors that violate important family values, behaviors that are harmful or dangerous, or behaviors that are deliberatively oppositional. Choose only one or two behaviors to start with, this again eliminates the confusion many children feel.
• Decide WHERE time-out will be served. For children who are toddlers (2-4 yrs) someplace within visual contact with the caregiver. For preschool children (4-6 yrs.) some safe place that is boring and has no toys to play with. For older children (7-12 yrs.) a safe, boring room where they can calm down and think about their behavior.
• Decide HOW long time-out will last. A good rule of thumb is that you should start with about 4-5 minutes for preschool and older children (toddlers should start at about 1-2 minutes), and gradually increase the time if they refuse to go to time-out. For instance if a five year old (starting at 5 minutes) refuses to go to time out, I would tell them "go to time out for five minutes right now (count in your head for 10 long seconds) or you will go for six minutes). If they refuse after 10 seconds say, "go to time out for six minutes. Repeat this technique until they reach ten minutes. Warn them that if they don't go to time out for ten minutes they will lose a privilege. 
• After time-out is over, the child has essentially served their time, so drop whatever matter caused them to go to time-out. If it was a refusal to clean up, they need to come back and clean up, but nothing more. 

A great recap on all of the principles from this session can be found in the video below: