A Thousand Small Moments: Session 4

In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:

Session 4 - Effective Commands and Rewards
This week using effective commands and rewards was discussed as a way to enforce limits. It is important to remember that your family values should be taken into account when giving children commands and using rewards to motivate behavior. Effective commands are commands that are:

• Clear - Clear commands explain the expectation as well as the family value that is related to the command. For instance, "We don't yell in our family, I want you to use a calm voice." The parent should remain calm, assertive, and polite when giving the command. 
• Positive - Another characteristic of a good command is that you tell the child exactly what you expect of them. Don't tell them what not to do, rather tell them what to do. Giving positive commands, the child is not left guessing what you are asking them to do. 
• Consistent - Make sure you are consistent with your commands. When you give a command that requires the child to do something, make sure the behavior is completed. Watching your child in order to ensure compliance is a helpful thing. It lets them know you are going to be consistent with all of your other commands or expectations.  
• Enforceable - Be sure not to use commands that are not possible for you to enforce. One example of an unenforceable command is, "Let's... (go to bed, turn off the TV, put your bike away)" The reason this is an unenforceable command is because you are essentially telling the child, "Let us put your bike away..." thus implying that you and the child will do the activity together. Children are often very literal. If you then do not join them in the activity, you would be inconsistent. 
• Not Questions - Lastly, when we give commands in a question format, we are essentially giving the child a choice of whether they will comply. Sometimes this is acceptable, but most of time, when we give a command, we are expected compliance. If you give a command in a question format, you can not blame the child for non-compliance. 

We also discussed the use of rewards as a way of modifying behavior. Using rewards can often be very tricky and should be done after other methods of behavior modification have failed. The reason rewards can be tricky is that many parents forget to issue rewards after a behavior is displayed, or giving too little or too big of a reward. I illustrate this caution with a story of my son:

When my son was 2 1/2 years old he would throw tantrums at grocery store. It got to a point that my wife and I hated to shop. After learning these techniques I decided to try rewards to change his behavior. I took my son aside and told him if he would behave (not scream or yell and stay seated) all the time at the store he would get a coin to buy a gumball. For the first few weeks this worked VERY well. He would behave very well and he knew he would get a coin to get a gumball. One week he started acting up. I reminded him that he would get a coin if he behaved. For some reason he didn't start behaving. Instead of holding my ground, I was tired, stressed and frustrated. I gave in and gave him the coin before he behaved. This ruined my system for another four or five weeks until I was able to get it corrected. 

The above story relates my own experience successfully starting a reward system and having problems with a reward system. I have seen it work and stop working. Follow the basic guidelines and reward systems can effectively increase positive behavior.

Homework: Develop a simple and effective reward system to try on one of your children. Make sure the reward is something the child likes, is affordable, and can be given after a positive behavior.