In conjunction with the parenting booster classes offered at the Michigan State University, Couple and Family Therapy Clinic additional material for the latest class is below:
Session 3: Values and Freedom
This week we discussed the first way to step toward setting limits. As a reminder, we believe that the best way to start setting limits with children is to start expressing love toward our children. To review the first two sessions click here (for emotion coaching and child-directed play) and here (for attention, praise and routines). Once you have established "routines of love" you are able to start setting limits.
The first step in setting limits is establishing family values. Family values influence the rules that parents set for their children and the expectations they place on their children. Values also influence how parents show and express love toward their children. An important way to discover the values you are currently teaching your children is to do the following exercise in your mind:
A Martian came from her planet and asked if she could follow you around for a day so that she could understand what was important to you. She said she was not interested in knowing your history, culture, or any justification, she simply wanted to watch. She said that she would make herself invisible as to not get in your way. As you go throughout your day, what observations would the Martian Observer make? What would she say you spent most of your time on (you valued the most)?Some of your answers may be hard for you to think about, but the more honest you are with yourself the easier it will be to make changes in your family. Here are examples of some possible answers: “She likes to play with her children,” “He does not like to be interrupted by his children,” “He values conversing with his children while working,” or “She values watching a TV show more than helping her child with his homework.” The best way to teach values and to set rules around those values is to be an example of those values and rules and give children an opportunity to experience those values.
After determining what your current values are, you are able to decide what values you would like to teach your children. A good way to do this is to name a value (i.e. hard work) and then to decide what behaviors represent the value of "hard work".
Now a word about freedom. When children get older, they tend to ask for more freedom to do things they want to do. One way to accommodate a child's request for freedom is to connect freedom with responsibility. As children express greater ability to handle responsibilities, more freedom can be granted. If a child does something that shows irresponsibility, some freedoms can be restricted. For instance, a child may be granted freedom to have a cell phone. As soon as they go over their limit of minutes (as established by you - the parent), or they use the phone after their curfew, or whatever behavior shows irresponsibility; a parent can restrict the freedom of the cell phone by restricting the use of the phone or restricting minutes or whatever seems reasonable in order to teach your child that responsibility is tied to freedom. Another analogy many parents are familiar with is the freedom of a drivers license. As soon as adults do something that is irresponsible in connection with driving, we are given restrictions of some sort (e.g. tickets, suspensions, or restrictions). Teaching this principle in connection to family values increases the chance your children will internalize your values and learn responsible behavior.
Homework: Schedule a time to make a list of five primary family values you and your partner want to teach your children. For each of the values ask the following questions:
- How will we teach the value this week verbally?
- How will we teach the value this week through example?
- How will we teach the value this week through experience?
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